Hows My Driving?

THE NIGERIAN WAY!

How’s my driving?

The first in my “the Nigerian way” series is based on something dear to my heart, driving. I love cars and I love good driving; sport cars to be driven ‘fast and furiously’, luxury cars without any ‘need for speed’ to be on ‘cruise control’. My one bias is that 18 wheelers be driven (pardon the pun) off the streets!

However driving is definitely not what it used to be or should be for that matter in Nigeria. So today we explore Nigerian driving (Abuja being the case study) by discussing the various facets of the traffic “conglomerate”, namely the drivers, passengers, traffic wardens, roads, rules and regs. So step on the clutch and put your car into gear 1.

The roads

 Abuja being the center of the FCT has an intricately well designed and well thought out road network comprising of free-ways, overhead bridges, gigantic roundabouts, and traffic and street lights. However, due to the constant flow of immigrants to this land brimming with milk and honey as well as the incessant threats to buildings within the metropolis by the infamous “boko boys”, these road network is fraught with traffic jams left right and centre. These traffic jams are the keys that have opened the “Pandora’s box” of nightmarish driving within the FCT.

It should also be stated that although the road network is awesome within Abuja, the condition of the roads in other satellite towns within the FCT is appalling! People in Kuje and Bwari know what I’m talking about. It’s even bad in Abuja as well. It’s ridiculous how an inter-section (airport junction) separates Jabi and its awesome roads from Karimo and its port-holes.

The drivers

I believe the most appropriate adjective to qualify most drivers here In the FCT would be “frightful”. Others include words like “hasty”, “scary”, “foolish”, “immature” would also suffice. Sometimes I feel like going round pasting neon colored signs that say things like “stop and check before you turn!”, then I assume that most of them are illiterates anyway so they won’t read the signs. Maybe I’ll advertise on Wazobia fm.

I’ll admit it, I’m taking this very personal but you would too if you you’ve been hit before! It’s really bad! Commercial drivers drive off the road and create extra lanes that worsen the already terrible hold-ups. They often hit each other’s vehicles and proceed to fight in the middle of the street! During the last three days I have witnessed over five of such fights. In one, the bus driver yanked the antenna off his opponent’s car and struck him across the face with it.

Private car drivers are no better. They often disregard proper drive etiquette and move with speeds that match that of Nascar drivers. Honestly I cannot tell the difference between bus drivers and private cars. I’ve even witnessed a fight between them once. The regular guy won!

What’s the world coming to? Driving on sidewalks, ramming each other’s cars, fighting in the middle of the street, next thing you know 14yr olds will be driving convertibles… wait I’ve seen that already!

The passengers

 I have a message for anyone and everyone who uses public transportation “the best way for you to get to your destination is for you to leave early enough!” the bus driver isn’t Fernando Alonso and your bus isn’t a Ferrari!

Last week I was returning home from work with the usual hold-up all over Abuja and I was thinking that the bus driver was either tired or the last sane commercial bus driver in Nigeria. He refused to follow his comrades as they tried to skip the hold-up by brushing pedestrians off the sidewalks. His nobility was rewarded with grumbling, disgruntled passengers hurling insults at him for “slacking”. When I put my big mouth in the matter by praising the driver for his adherence to the rules some of the insults were hurled in my direction as well. The only printable comment being “guy which one you dey na? You be Jesus?” To say that I was pissed would be a euphemism.

The wardens

Okay so I’m angry at the drivers and pissed at the passengers, what word you accurately describe my feelings towards the wardens? Sometimes I believe they exist to worsen the already bad traffic situation. Don’t get me wrong, some of these wardens work their rear ends off all day and deserve any iota of respect and gratitude they receive. For instance there’s a particular warden that dances as he directs traffic in a fluid manner that passes for excellence. Brilliant fellow! Tip him whenever you can.

On the other hand there are many lazy worthless wardens who deserve to be beaten with a stick then soaked in honey and dried on a soldier ant farm. They ignore the “call of duty” placed on them by their country and choose instead to lounge like belly filled cats.

I witnessed (you might have noticed that I do a lot of that) an incident where a cab driver blocked traffic at an intersection.  He indicated that he was going left but stayed on the path of those going forward. The wardens didn’t even budge until an irate bus driver had seized the man’s keys and started a fight. A fight which they made no effort to separate but watched from under their shade. I didn’t put my big mouth this time.

As annoyed as I am about this situation I can’t go around whipping or shooting people just because I’m mad. So I guess the least I can do is offer unique driving tips and reminders of certain rules they might have forgotten.

DRIVING TIPS

·         Don’t blow your horn when the traffic light is red. It just states that you’re either color blind or dumb.

·         The sidewalks are for pedestrians!

·         If the car in front of you stops, don’t use your car to push it!

·         The road cannot increase its size overnight, if its two lanes don’t create a third one.

·         You can’t pump air into your tire by increasing your speed.

·         Please don’t ping and drive.





Follow Emmanuel @Emmanuelihim

The Art of Achieving Nothing!

Let’s be honest with ourselves success is overrated. I mean everyone is really trying hard to be a success at one thing or the other and most are failing at it. Why not try failure and succeed? I have come up with a fool-proof plan to make one succeed at failure. I called it “The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People”. So without further ado I’ll divulge the secrets to perpetual stagnation and incessant retrogression.

Habits 1 “Never make plans”

Why would you want to? Planning is for people that want success and you don’t right? Failure is much easier to accomplish without any form of planning. Planning is boring anyway and failure is spontaneous, careless and carefree. A wise person once said “if you fail to plan you plan to fail” so I guess right (or wrong) track.

Habits 2 “Never listen to advice”

This includes mine by the way. If you want to fail then you have to do it properly by inventing your own method. Beside advice is generally good and failure does not require wisdom as a criterion. A sure and effective way to know you failed at something is for people to say “I told you so!”

Habit 3 “Always procrastinate”

Never put off procrastination! To succeed at failure you must ceaselessly succumb to avoiding that nasty habit of doing things on time. The only thing that can be done timely is sleep, anything else will lead to success and you don’t want that. Time and tide wait for on one but failure has all day.

Habit 4 “Me over we”

I cannot overemphasize this point… teamwork is for weaklings! Your opinions matters more than that of others so why even listen. Why fail as a team when you can do it conveniently without others? Besides it’s a wrong kind of mindset to take others down with you. Synergy is for wimps without energy.

Habit 7 “Never be in touch with reality”

“Reali-who? I don’t even know her talk less of contacting her” practicality is for low minded success bums and you don’t want that ever! The situation is not what it is but what you want it to be. In this case that’ll be nothing. Never take things at face value, imagine them at face value. Why try to make money when you have a million dollars… you’re the king of a milk factory…ten little big toes dancing round a square…

Habit 7 “Overspend!”

This is the best habit ever! Synonyms include ‘floss’, ‘flex’, ‘flenjor’ etc. let’s be honest spending is far better than saving money which is tedious and boring. Plus we aren’t into delayed gratification. Spend the dough like there is no tomorrow (rhymes)

There you have it, with these few less than difficult steps you’re guaranteed a life of failure, penury and happiness (you wanted to fail right?). If it works don’t contact me! Seriously don’t!     

p.s Next week i'm starting a series of articles with the theme "the Nigerian way". In the words of that famous nollywood cliche "watch out!"  

RAKS

I recently experienced a rare act of selflessness that lacked the usual individualism imbibed by the Nigerian public. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Nigerians are not nice; it’s just that seeing an act of kindness always surprises me. Guess I’m just a cynic.

It was Sunday morning and I was trying to get to church early from ‘gwags’, i.e. the University of Abuja for you non-residents. I got to the car park and decided to take an ‘el-rufai’ bus instead of the small ones. In you don’t know (non-residents) the ‘el-rufai’ is the name dubbed by the general public for the large bus introduced by a former FCT minister of the same name. It’s like the BRT with space for two to sit comfortably and for three to sit uncomfortably. There is provision for those who would rather stand (at a lesser fee of course!).

I managed to get a seat somewhere at the front of the bus beside a young man. Thirty minutes into the journey (it’s quite a distance from gwags to town) the bus stopped to pick more passengers, one of whom was an old man. The gentleman beside me didn’t miss a beat as he immediately rose and gave his seat to the old man. I started feeling a twinge of guilt that I dint even think of doing the same thing so I told the man that there was enough space for all of us. He smiled and said “thank you” like I gave up the entire seat.

Sometime later we spotted to pick up what I can only describe as an entire extended family without the dads. Like clockwork the man beside rose again and offered his seat so a couple of children could sit. Since there was only enough space for one (the old man was still seating there) I put one of the children on my lap and the man smiled at me like I single handedly instituted world peace and global enrichment.

I know some of you might be thinking that it’s not such a big deal but it was to me. When was the last time you did something nice for someone? I mean someone you don’t know without wanting something in return?

A writer (Sean Covey) referred to something called “RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS” (RAKS). You remember kindness right? the quality of being kind, meaning compassionate, humanitarian and benevolent? Anyway he encouraged people to carry out RAKs on both strangers and people they know. He said and I can attest that selfless service is emotionally rewarding.

You know what? Let’s all pick a day to carry out RAKs to people we wouldn’t normally ‘roll’ with. Please bear in mind that RAKs do not include buying soap for the person beside you who constantly stink, nor does it mean giving handouts to the less privileged. They could be anything from thoughtful messages to being there for a friend or non-friend when you’re needed. Like my friend on the bus you will find it much more rewarding than being on the receiving end. In the words I read off a tee-shirt (which usually carry unfathomed wisdom) “lets drop love not bombs”.        

Emmanuel's WILD Imagination: COMMERCIAL TERRORISM!

Emmanuel's WILD Imagination: COMMERCIAL TERRORISM!: I remember one occasion when I went to the market (yes I do that sometimes) and after purchasing everything I wanted I realised that the al...

COMMERCIAL TERRORISM!

I remember one occasion when I went to the market (yes I do that sometimes) and after purchasing everything I wanted I realised that the all the items were brands from my favourite commercials. I had unconsciously bought products because of their commercials. For instance, I prefer 'Remia' to 'blueband' but that 'B without BB' had me buying Blueband before I knew it. 

What's the deal with these advertisers anyway? Do they study the general public and trends in colours, music and use this knowledge to influence people to buy products? Yes they do!! Wow I feel used, abused, manipulated, cheated and unfairly coerced! Why can't I just buy Remia instead of Blueband? Why can't I buy Ariel instead of Omo? Why can't I eat at my favourite joint instead of tramping off to the nearest eatery I saw on T.V? WHY!!???

Before you start thinking you're safe from this menace think back to the last time you bought a shirt, toothbrush, a DVD or even matches! what was the your ratio decedendi? You see!? We are all influenced by commercials. I'm even welling to bet that you use the bank with the coolest T.V advert.

I'm actually concerned with the fact that no one is doing anything about this not so new threat. Everyone is so concerned about political terrorism and making such a big deal out of it that this menace has continued without any punitive measures. thus this unguarded threat of hypnotic influence and coercive power over both the masses of urban metropolis and rural townships goes unchecked and unrestricted! Don't you think its a little scary that in a backward community in Africa a certain tribe that don't wear clothes have no idea of the political workings of their state but have coke bottles? Okay that's a scene from 'the gods must be crazy!' but it could happen.

Soon going shopping will be risky business and those advertisers who hold the monopoly on commercials will have free rein in our capitalist economy! I'd like to go on rambling about these un-noticed dangers but I'm really hungry and I have to prepare something to eat. Want to know what it it? I'll give you an hint....."there's a rumble in my tummy going boom bala boom bala boom..."