Hows My Driving?

THE NIGERIAN WAY!

How’s my driving?

The first in my “the Nigerian way” series is based on something dear to my heart, driving. I love cars and I love good driving; sport cars to be driven ‘fast and furiously’, luxury cars without any ‘need for speed’ to be on ‘cruise control’. My one bias is that 18 wheelers be driven (pardon the pun) off the streets!

However driving is definitely not what it used to be or should be for that matter in Nigeria. So today we explore Nigerian driving (Abuja being the case study) by discussing the various facets of the traffic “conglomerate”, namely the drivers, passengers, traffic wardens, roads, rules and regs. So step on the clutch and put your car into gear 1.

The roads

 Abuja being the center of the FCT has an intricately well designed and well thought out road network comprising of free-ways, overhead bridges, gigantic roundabouts, and traffic and street lights. However, due to the constant flow of immigrants to this land brimming with milk and honey as well as the incessant threats to buildings within the metropolis by the infamous “boko boys”, these road network is fraught with traffic jams left right and centre. These traffic jams are the keys that have opened the “Pandora’s box” of nightmarish driving within the FCT.

It should also be stated that although the road network is awesome within Abuja, the condition of the roads in other satellite towns within the FCT is appalling! People in Kuje and Bwari know what I’m talking about. It’s even bad in Abuja as well. It’s ridiculous how an inter-section (airport junction) separates Jabi and its awesome roads from Karimo and its port-holes.

The drivers

I believe the most appropriate adjective to qualify most drivers here In the FCT would be “frightful”. Others include words like “hasty”, “scary”, “foolish”, “immature” would also suffice. Sometimes I feel like going round pasting neon colored signs that say things like “stop and check before you turn!”, then I assume that most of them are illiterates anyway so they won’t read the signs. Maybe I’ll advertise on Wazobia fm.

I’ll admit it, I’m taking this very personal but you would too if you you’ve been hit before! It’s really bad! Commercial drivers drive off the road and create extra lanes that worsen the already terrible hold-ups. They often hit each other’s vehicles and proceed to fight in the middle of the street! During the last three days I have witnessed over five of such fights. In one, the bus driver yanked the antenna off his opponent’s car and struck him across the face with it.

Private car drivers are no better. They often disregard proper drive etiquette and move with speeds that match that of Nascar drivers. Honestly I cannot tell the difference between bus drivers and private cars. I’ve even witnessed a fight between them once. The regular guy won!

What’s the world coming to? Driving on sidewalks, ramming each other’s cars, fighting in the middle of the street, next thing you know 14yr olds will be driving convertibles… wait I’ve seen that already!

The passengers

 I have a message for anyone and everyone who uses public transportation “the best way for you to get to your destination is for you to leave early enough!” the bus driver isn’t Fernando Alonso and your bus isn’t a Ferrari!

Last week I was returning home from work with the usual hold-up all over Abuja and I was thinking that the bus driver was either tired or the last sane commercial bus driver in Nigeria. He refused to follow his comrades as they tried to skip the hold-up by brushing pedestrians off the sidewalks. His nobility was rewarded with grumbling, disgruntled passengers hurling insults at him for “slacking”. When I put my big mouth in the matter by praising the driver for his adherence to the rules some of the insults were hurled in my direction as well. The only printable comment being “guy which one you dey na? You be Jesus?” To say that I was pissed would be a euphemism.

The wardens

Okay so I’m angry at the drivers and pissed at the passengers, what word you accurately describe my feelings towards the wardens? Sometimes I believe they exist to worsen the already bad traffic situation. Don’t get me wrong, some of these wardens work their rear ends off all day and deserve any iota of respect and gratitude they receive. For instance there’s a particular warden that dances as he directs traffic in a fluid manner that passes for excellence. Brilliant fellow! Tip him whenever you can.

On the other hand there are many lazy worthless wardens who deserve to be beaten with a stick then soaked in honey and dried on a soldier ant farm. They ignore the “call of duty” placed on them by their country and choose instead to lounge like belly filled cats.

I witnessed (you might have noticed that I do a lot of that) an incident where a cab driver blocked traffic at an intersection.  He indicated that he was going left but stayed on the path of those going forward. The wardens didn’t even budge until an irate bus driver had seized the man’s keys and started a fight. A fight which they made no effort to separate but watched from under their shade. I didn’t put my big mouth this time.

As annoyed as I am about this situation I can’t go around whipping or shooting people just because I’m mad. So I guess the least I can do is offer unique driving tips and reminders of certain rules they might have forgotten.

DRIVING TIPS

·         Don’t blow your horn when the traffic light is red. It just states that you’re either color blind or dumb.

·         The sidewalks are for pedestrians!

·         If the car in front of you stops, don’t use your car to push it!

·         The road cannot increase its size overnight, if its two lanes don’t create a third one.

·         You can’t pump air into your tire by increasing your speed.

·         Please don’t ping and drive.





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