The Art of Achieving Nothing!

Let’s be honest with ourselves success is overrated. I mean everyone is really trying hard to be a success at one thing or the other and most are failing at it. Why not try failure and succeed? I have come up with a fool-proof plan to make one succeed at failure. I called it “The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People”. So without further ado I’ll divulge the secrets to perpetual stagnation and incessant retrogression.

Habits 1 “Never make plans”

Why would you want to? Planning is for people that want success and you don’t right? Failure is much easier to accomplish without any form of planning. Planning is boring anyway and failure is spontaneous, careless and carefree. A wise person once said “if you fail to plan you plan to fail” so I guess right (or wrong) track.

Habits 2 “Never listen to advice”

This includes mine by the way. If you want to fail then you have to do it properly by inventing your own method. Beside advice is generally good and failure does not require wisdom as a criterion. A sure and effective way to know you failed at something is for people to say “I told you so!”

Habit 3 “Always procrastinate”

Never put off procrastination! To succeed at failure you must ceaselessly succumb to avoiding that nasty habit of doing things on time. The only thing that can be done timely is sleep, anything else will lead to success and you don’t want that. Time and tide wait for on one but failure has all day.

Habit 4 “Me over we”

I cannot overemphasize this point… teamwork is for weaklings! Your opinions matters more than that of others so why even listen. Why fail as a team when you can do it conveniently without others? Besides it’s a wrong kind of mindset to take others down with you. Synergy is for wimps without energy.

Habit 7 “Never be in touch with reality”

“Reali-who? I don’t even know her talk less of contacting her” practicality is for low minded success bums and you don’t want that ever! The situation is not what it is but what you want it to be. In this case that’ll be nothing. Never take things at face value, imagine them at face value. Why try to make money when you have a million dollars… you’re the king of a milk factory…ten little big toes dancing round a square…

Habit 7 “Overspend!”

This is the best habit ever! Synonyms include ‘floss’, ‘flex’, ‘flenjor’ etc. let’s be honest spending is far better than saving money which is tedious and boring. Plus we aren’t into delayed gratification. Spend the dough like there is no tomorrow (rhymes)

There you have it, with these few less than difficult steps you’re guaranteed a life of failure, penury and happiness (you wanted to fail right?). If it works don’t contact me! Seriously don’t!     

p.s Next week i'm starting a series of articles with the theme "the Nigerian way". In the words of that famous nollywood cliche "watch out!"